Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
