So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
