I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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