we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
