my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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