apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
