Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
