His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
