I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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