My nipple is on Facebook.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
