Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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