I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
