A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
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When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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