Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
