Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
