dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
