sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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