That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My vagina just recognized that song.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
