I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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