I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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