I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
