So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
