Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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