my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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