is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
