Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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