if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
