when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
