I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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