Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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