also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
