you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
