I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
