I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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