Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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