I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
