I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
