apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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