...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
