farters have to be the big spoon...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
