please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
