my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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