this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
