The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
