1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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