walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
