dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she peed on how many people?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
