We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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