The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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