Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
