Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
