apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
