I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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