Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
