So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
