Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
worst night to have a conscience
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
